Smoke Screens
by The Last Letter
Summary: Paullina Sanchez is sick of hiding her true self from Amity Park, but when she finally reveals it, Casper's Queen Bee finds herself falling from grace.


"Paully," Starr began, sounding more serious than I'd ever heard her, "Are you sure?"

"No," I admitted. Starr is the only person I've ever been able to be fully honest with, except for myself. "But it's something I have to do."

I leaned back against my headboard, curling my knees up to cradle a pillow against my chest. Starr was perched cross-legged on my floor, concentrating as she painted her nails.

"I'm not saying that it's something you should be hiding, you know I love you no matter what, but have you ever considered that some people _aren't_ going to love you no matter what? Things will change if you say it."

"I know," I sighed, chewing my bottom lip before chastising myself. The way people viewed me was important, and would always be important. It was one of my holdbacks from being honest with the world. Last week, though, I'd come to the realization that the way I viewed myself was much more important than the way others viewed me. It had been a hard truth to swallow, based on the heavy premium my parents had always put on appearances.

"Have you _really_ thought about it?" Starr stressed.

"Yes. I've said it to you, and only you, but now I need others to know. It's who I am and I don't want to feel like a phony anymore."

"I've never considered you a phony. Everyone has things they don't tell people but that, like, doesn't make them any less real, right?"

"Well, yeah but I don't want people to have the wrong expectations of me."

"Like what?" Starr asked.

"Like, Dash, for example. I feel like I'm stringing him along."

Starr looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Dash likes you for who you are and your personality doesn't change."

"My parents have expectations that I'll get married."

"Mmm," Star mused, "That's like, a thing now though where the government is concerned, right? Dad was preaching about it to me the other day – that's the downside of being a preacher's daughter. But, the point is, marriage is still an option."

"Babies?" I pressed.

"Adoption and sperm donors."

"Urgh." I fell onto my side, curling around my pillow.

"If this is what you need to do, I support you." Starr rubbed my calf with her palm in a comforting gesture, careful not to get her wet nails near my skin. "I just want to make sure you've thought things through."

"I have."

"Do you really need to do it right now? We graduate in, like, six months. You're going to move out of Amity to a city; I hear they're more accepting in cities. Small-towns are close-minded."

"I'm going to do it, Starr," I said with confidence. "Starting tonight, at dinner, with my parents."

"Want me to stay?" Starr offered.

She truly was the best friend I could ask for. "No, I don't want them thinking anything's going on with you."

Starr pulled a face. "No offense, girl, but as hot as you are, I'm straighter than a ruler."

I laughed. "And as hot as you are, I'm not hitting on you."

"Now that that's cleared up, can we _please_ talk about how disgusting Sam Manson's dress was today?"

(-.-)

"You've been awfully quiet," Mama pointed out as we ate. "Is something wrong?"

"You're not eating much either," Papa added.

"Mama, Papa …" I took a deep breath, my stomach turning into knots. Nothing was as scary as this. In comparison, telling Starr had been easy.

_ "Starr, can I talk to you about anything?"_

_ "Of course!"_

_ "And you'll keep it a secret?"_

_ "Uh-huh."_

_ "And you won't see me differently?"_

_ "You're scaring me, Paullina. Did you do something?"_

_ "No … I think, no, I _know_, I'm gay."_

_ "Great, you almost gave me a heart attack over good news."_

_ "Good news?"_

_ "More boys for me, babe! But, seriously, I love you no matter what."_

_ "Love you too."_

I put my fork down on the table and folded my hands together in my lap. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"I'm a lesbian," I blurted without any thoughts about how there might be a better way to break it to them.

Mama's hands flew to her mouth, eyes widening in shock. Papa's food fell from his fork onto his expensive suit and he didn't even blink.

"Dear," Mama was the first to regain her voice, "I know you might think that now-"

"_No_," I said quickly. I was not going to hear the 'it's-a-phase' line from either of my parents. "It's not just a phase. It's not a rebellion. It's me. I'm not going to change. And I need you to accept me."

I dropped my eyes down to my lap, unable to look into their faces any longer. What would I do if they didn't accept me? My parents were traditional, yes, but I was their daughter. I was their little princess. Their perspective of me shouldn't change just because I wanted a wife and not a husband.

"We'll accept you," Papa assured me quickly. "If you'll give us a moment to let it sink in."

"Of course." I offered them a smile. Papa smiled back. However, Mama's expression looked forced.

(-.-)

By the time Monday came, and I went to school, everyone knew. Eyes locked on me as I walked in the halls, and not for the usual reasons (jealousy over my looks and beautiful clothes/admiration of my looks and beautiful clothes). It made me uncomfortable to have their eyes on me, not knowing what they were thinking. It was strange, not to be confident in my position in the school's hierarchy.

I shook my head as I opened my locker, hoping to get rid of the thoughts. I was still Paullina Sanchez. I was still head cheerleader, queen bee, beauty personified. I was still on top of Casper High.

A group of freshman girls strolled by – pretty girls; one might even grow up to take my place in Casper High royalty.

"Dyke," the blonde at the front growled at me.

"The world doesn't need people like you," the brunette at her side snapped.

The other blonde giggled behind her hand. "Oh my god, if I were like you I would kill myself."

I held my head high and I didn't respond. I simply packed my workout clothes and headed to the gym. I thought it was ridiculous that I had to take P.E. when I had been on the cheerleading squad for my entire high school career, but school rules and all that.

I allowed myself to get frustrated over P.E. and the injustice of the school system rather than think about what the girls had said to me. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst, and that I could handle anything that would be thrown at me, but I didn't think that was true anymore.

I strode into the locker room and went to my usual spot on the bench. I was unbuttoning my cardigan, facing the wall as was common courtesy – we were all comfortable with our bodies but no one wanted others watching them while they changed – when I became aware of the silence. I turned around slowly. The locker room was always a loud place, full of gossip and laughter.

"Paullina." One of the girls, Viki, from the lacrosse team smiled at me, taking a step forward, "The girls and I were just talking about you."

"Good things I hope!" I laughed, but I was laughing alone. The others in the locker room were either quick to leave or quick to busy themselves with mundane tasks.

"We don't want you changing in here anymore."

"What?" I burst out. "Where else am I supposed to get ready for P.E.?"

"Use one of the stalls," Viki advised, "We just don't want your creepy eyes on us while we're naked."

"I'm not going to be looking at you!" I cried.

"We don't trust that," Viki informed me. "We're uncomfortable knowing someone like you is watching us."

"I'm not!"

"And watch where you're putting your hands during the basketball game," Viki warned. "You grab anyone, anywhere, I will come after you."

Meekly, I nodded, walking away from Viki. I should have been stronger and stood up to her, but I couldn't. Viki was strong enough to beat me up; I was not strong enough to defend myself.

(-.-)

Lunchtime came. I went to my usual table with the popular crowd. Starr smiled to me, but no one else acknowledged me. One of the lesser girls and Kwan's new fling, Lisa (who I thought was snobbish) spoke up, looking at everyone else but me.

"Dash," she crooned. "What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?"

"What?" Dash returned.

"Well-hung!" Lisa cackled.

"Lisa," Dash replied, "What is the leading cause of death in lesbians?"

"What?"

"Hairballs!" Dash crowed as the table began to break out in laughter.

I felt my face heat up, and I stared down at my sandwich.

"C'mon, Paullina," Dash taunted me. "That was funny. Why aren't you laughing?"

"Because the little dyke doesn't have sense of humour," Lisa snapped.

"Hey!" Starr jumped to her feet, slamming her hands down on the table. Her face looked as red as mine felt – though mine was from embarrassment and hers was from anger. "Listen up, you little whore, say one more word about my friend and I will fuck you up."

"You a dyke too?" Lisa rose to her own feet. "Is that why you're so close? You're both carpet munchers!"

"Don't, Starr," I said quietly. "It's not worth it."

I left the table, never to return.

(-.-)

I went to one last party, only because Starr had asked me to. I was drinking, lost in a sea of faces that were not entirely familiar to me – all the better, they couldn't judge me on what they didn't know. I was unfamiliar with the house so, balancing my fifth beer of the night in my hand, I headed off down the hallways to look for the bathroom.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to go far, thinking that maybe I should have asked someone before I went wandering on my own, when I heard footsteps behind me.

"Do you know where the bathroom is?" I asked, stopping but not turning around.

There was no voice that answered me. Instead, heavy hands were on my waist, pushing me up against the wall. My beer fell to the ground, splashing over my legs. I cried out as my face was forced against the plaster. The large fingers, masculine and probing, went under my skirt and inside of me.

I let out a scream, lost in the loud music and the rowdy partygoers.

"I'm going to fuck you straight," came a drunken voice, one I immediately identified as Dash.

The thought terrified me. I was a virgin and I didn't want my first time to be with a man, let alone in a situation like this with a man like Dash. I slammed my stiletto heel onto the top of his foot, feeling a sick sense of satisfaction as he let out a yelp of pain. His fingers fell out of me and he backed off, just enough for me to lift my other leg and get him in the balls.

Dash fell to the ground, in the puddle of beer, and I ran for it.

(-.-)

I hesitated, looking down at the text I was about to send to my best friend in the entire world.

_Srry 4 wut uv been put thru. Hat hurt. Its been a month & no signs of stopping. Luv u 2 much 2 continue this. Lose my # starr._

I was going to have to cut Starr loose. The slurs hadn't lessened over time, it had gotten worse, and Starr had become a target because she was sticking with me. I couldn't continue to let them tear her down, not when I saw the effect it was having on her. She looked run-down; broken. She looked like I did after being at war with the student body and most of the town for weeks.

I pressed send.

This was better for her.

(-.-)

"Hi, Esther!" I greeted, cheerfully. It was the long weekend and I had decided to do some shopping at my favourite boutique in Amity. I hadn't been in for a while and I was excited to look at their new inventory.

"Paullina," the owner said slowly, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to shop, of course. Maybe get some new shoes? Spring will be here before we know it."

"No, I mean why are you in my store?" Esther clarified.

"Why?" I looked at her blankly. "I love it here. We're friends. Shopping here is great."

I stared at her stony face and realized: it was happening again. I was getting shunned, pushed out my life, and the things I loved (the coach had graciously asked me to quit the cheerleading team and I'd handed in my pom-poms) because of my identity.

"I think that, if you were to continue wearing my clothes, it would present the wrong image of my store," Esther revealed. "I'd like to ask you to leave now."

I did as she asked, returning home. It was empty. It always seemed empty lately, like my parents were avoiding me. All the better, for they wouldn't see the tears running down my face.

I was sick of this! All I was trying to do was to stay true to myself and my identity. I had never imagined, talking with Starr in my bedroom so long ago, that it would be so difficult. I had never imagined people would push me away like they had and I'd never thought that people could be so cruel and unaccepting.

I really didn't like the world I was living in.

I was alone, depressed, and shunned no matter where I went. It didn't seem like things could ever get better. And it definitely wasn't a life that anyone should have to experience.

But I wouldn't experience it for much longer.

In a month, I would graduate beyond the hate and I would never look back.

**I don't own anything recognizable. Thanks to my betas: foreversky.**


End file.
